Relationship Green Flags — Eleanor Pinugu

It was our first social event together after two zoom-exclusive years, and my usually introverted husband felt quite excited about going. When we arrived at the venue, however, we were unexpectedly greeted at the door by a very apologetic host, “I’m sorry, We got Miguel’s name wrong!”

When we got to our seats, we discovered why. The place card in our table read Miguel Pinugu instead of Bermundo. My husband was incorrectly given my last name- something that has happened a little too often because I decided to keep my maiden name. He laughed and shared it on his IG stories: Nothing says you’re the plus one quite like this, the caption read.

Later that evening, and after the organizers had apologized to him for the third time, he turned to me, brows furrowed in confusion, “Why is everyone worried? Do other men really get upset about this? It’s really not a big deal.”

Excerpt from The Missing Piece Meets the Big O by Shel Silverstein

I have always found my husband’s strong sense of self and lack of machismo hang-ups admirable. When we first met in our late 20s, I was still very unsure of myself and was approaching relationships similarly to the ‘Missing Piece’ character in Shel Silverstein’s famous book. I was a ‘lonely wedge’ erroneously looking for a person I could fix and vice versa.

Miguel on the other hand, already seemed like the ‘Big O’— whole and secure. He called me out on my tendency to use relationships to ‘cure’ loneliness and encouraged me to try to understand the unmet yearnings I have for myself, that I’m unconsciously projecting onto those I love. Being with someone who was exceptionally committed to being self-aware and self-content, compelled me to confront parts of myself that were dishonest and destructive. It took some time, but I eventually learned how to navigate my relationships (both romantic and otherwise) from a place of fullness, instead of a place of lack or fear.

Love is not a subject taught in school, and yet choosing your life partner is one of the most important decisions a person could make. Numerous studies have delved into how the state of a person’s relationship impacts their well-being (both physical and emotional), as well as their life satisfaction. As someone who first learned about love by watching rom-coms, I used to think that letting romance be my guide along with a checklist of trivial non-negotiables (has to be tall, has to like dogs, has to be close to his Mom) would magically lead me to the ideal partner. While I still find those traits attractive, I wish I had spent more time educating myself on how a healthy relationship feels and looks like.

Here are some of the green flags that experts say people should strive to look for and nurture in their relationships:

You make each other feel safe and seen.
When a friend asked me how I knew I wanted to marry Miguel, I said that it’s because my husband feels like home. There’s no pressure to perform or to constantly put my best foot forward- I feel seen and accepted. While he does not get me 100% of the time, there’s always the commitment to suspend judgment and seek to understand. In turn, this feeling of being in a ‘safe and secure space’ encourages me to pursue self-betterment.
Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor Rebecca Nichols says that healthy relationships often lead to a growth in their own acceptance and belief of themselves, “Their self-confidence and self-awareness become heightened, and this often translates to increased satisfaction overall and healthier relationships outside of the romantic realm.”
You honour each other’s needs and boundaries.
Psychologist Lisa Bobby says that when you set healthy boundaries, it’s not always going to be compatible with the other person’s mood or wants. But a good partner understands that it is not your job to make them happy and respects your needs and desires. They discourage co-dependence, and give space for the other person’s autonomy. “Setting healthy boundaries is about detaching from the idea that you need to manage someone else’s emotions,” Bobby says. “Your job is to take care of yourself emotionally and let other people take care of themselves emotionally.”
You and your partner are able to deal with conflict in a healthy and productive manner.
You don’t lash out at one another when things get heated. You both try to see things from the other person’s perspective, express empathy for what the other is feeling, and take accountability for one’s shortcomings. “Security is an overall deeply felt state. For secure couples an argument is just a temporary blip that doesn’t threaten their bond,” says Therapist Bernadette Hayes. “Couples that are securely attached seem to be willing to broach difficult topics and have conversations to arrive at some resolution and often report feeling more bonded afterward.”

Being with someone who was exceptionally committed to being self-aware and self-content, compelled me confront parts of myself that were dishonest and destructive. It took some time, but I eventually learned how to navigate my relationships (both romantic and otherwise) from a place of fullness, instead of a place of lack or fear.

Since there are two imperfect human beings involved in a relationship, these green flags do require a lot of hard work and commitment to sustain. It is equally important to ask yourself if you’re enabling a healthy relationship, as it is to look for these traits in your partner. My husband and I agreed that while our relationship benefits from a solid foundation, we should never be complacent about taking care of the ‘middle part’ - the quiet and uneventful day-to-day that make up a couple’s shared history. As Simone Signoret put it, “Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years.”

In the final page of The Missing Piece meets the Big O, the Big O is seen rolling around with a smaller O. The former wedge had grown and found a way to be a complete circle, without needing others to supply the missing parts . As our marriage turns seven years this month, my prayer is that Miguel and I will have more decades together of happily rolling through life, by each other’s side.

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