Every December, my friends and I choose a word that serves as our guiding theme for the coming year. For 2020, I chose WHOLENESS.
2019 was, based on appearances, a very good year, but internally, I was dealing with bouts of self-doubt. Halfway through the year, some people started circulating stories that my work in the women’s rights sphere is inconsistent with Catholic standards, to the point of reporting to my trustees that my personal stance has compromised my ability to lead a school. Though I did not acknowledge it at the time, the incident had left me feeling betrayed and unsure of myself.
The new decade opened with an invitation to train women at what has been named as the happiest country on earth. Though I was there for work, I made it my personal mission to use my time in Bhutan as a self-imposed retreat- a chance to face the disconcerting thoughts I’ve been having and to tackle them head on.
My host Namgay, is an upbeat Mahayana Buddhist whose eyes immediately lit up when I asked her about the concept of enlightenment. The goal she said, is to free one's self from discontent and any worldly attachment.
Mahayana Buddhists liken our wave of emotions to skipping stones in a lake. We should let emotions pass through us, to create smooth ripples across the surface and then to eventually disappear without profoundly affecting one’s calm state.
This concept really resonated with me. Though I often wear an air of confidence and self-assurance, last year’s experience showed me that other people’s views of me actually have a profound impact on what I think of myself. While as social creatures, it’s normal for people to enjoy the attention and validation of others, it becomes poisonous when our desire to fit in paralyses us from being authentically ourselves. More so when our decisions and actions start to be shaped by what panders to who our current audience is, leading to multiple fragmented versions of one’s self.
Maya Angelou said, “You don't need another person, place or thing to make you whole. God already did that. Your job is to know it.”
I define wholeness by being firm and at peace with my convictions, despite what other people think of them. It’s about having a strong sense of self-worth that is divorced from social clout and popularity. It entails maintaining the integrity of my word by only saying yes to what I’m committed to, and saying no without feeling guilt or shame.
Lastly, I believe that one can’t embark on a path to wholeness without also learning how to look at one’s self and others through a gentler and more compassionate lens. Being whole means being able to recognize that everyone is also just trying their best to figure out their messy lives, and the best thing we can do is to try to be forgiving of each other whenever our personal journey inadvertently hurts another’s.
I am excited to grow in this aspect. Just holding on to that image of a calm lake already brings me much peace, and strengthens my resolve. The best part is discovering myself all over again, in a more honest but softer light, and choosing to love the person that I find.
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